Learning To Listen to Others: The Squire’s Influence

Although this website is only a few months old, I already feel its impact and how it’s leading to positive change in my life.  

Case-in-point: I am becoming a better listener. 

Realizing That I’m a Poor Listener

I’ve narcissistically felt that I’ve been a good listener my entire life.  I’m fairly quiet (especially in crowds and around those I don’t know well), so what else is there for me to do but listen?  With my engineering background I’m also used to paying close attention to details.  But beyond simply regurgitating facts about someone, I never really paid attention to what their words meant on a deeper-level.

What changed my thinking was reading through The Squire’s Core Belief #3.  Like myself, The Squire is also an introvert with more of a tendency to be the listener in a conversation rather than the active speaker.  The difference is that while I always focused on listening only for hard facts, The Squire has a desire to authentically learn more about others, all in an effort to relate to them better.  In fact, he states, “I feel like I have a better understanding of people around me… I do try to go into conversations with an open mind, a positive energy and attitude, and a curiosity to learn about the person…”  That genuine curiosity to get to know someone & what they are all about is something I sorely lack.

Escaping the Echo Chamber

Like many of us introverts and many in the FI community itself, I think it’s easy to isolate ourselves and stay in our own Financial Independence bubble because it feels comfortable – the community is relatively small (so we tend to know each other well), we share common practices/thoughts/ideas (for the most part) and perhaps we even all identify as outsiders (that have come together).  The danger is that sometimes this can result in an echo chamber, meaning an environment where everyone has similar beliefs that are constantly reinforced (whether right or wrong) without any alternative opinions or ideas ever considered.

I’ve fallen into this trap myself and sometimes forget that there are other people beyond the FI community who are living amazing lives, yet have different ways of thinking & points of view.   Although I may not personally associate with many of their opinions & ideas, it doesn’t mean they should all be arbitrarily tossed out.  This is where The Squire has it exactly right!  There’s always an opportunity to learn from others or at the very least get to know more about their experiences & worldview – just because we have different beliefs & views doesn’t mean we can’t be friends and/or have respect for others.

Trying Out My New Skills

Almost immediately after coming to this realization, I had the chance to put it into real-life practice when my in-laws came over to our house this summer for a BBQ.  

We don’t see my step sister-in-law or her husband very often, perhaps once every couple years, so needless to say we aren’t very close.  This is a shame because I’m the exact same age as them and they are both really nice people.  Although we may have some little things in common, there are larger dissimilarities that have kept us from forming a strong relationship: 1) we are frugal & big savers while they are big spenders, 2) we come from different social classes – my wife & I are both college-educated and work(ed) white-collar jobs while my sister-in-law & her husband have a high school degree and work blue-collar jobs.  

Sidenote: I have a high-level of respect for those in the trades & for blue-collar workers so I am not trying to be disrespectful or elitist; I’m just pointing out that there are socioeconomic realities between classes associated with differences in income, wealth, education, occupation, social networks,etc.

With The Squire’s words fresh in my mind, I wanted to practice being a better listener while also trying to engage more actively in the conversation by asking pointed & leading questions.  My main goal was to get to know my in-laws better and catch up on lost time, perhaps with a secondary goal of picking up some tidbits of knowledge or actionable items along the way.

Little Bit of a Letdown

Well… to be 100% honest the end results were mixed.  We talked throughout dinner & for a couple hours afterwards and the only thing I learned was all the details about their jobs (the ins & outs, what they liked/disliked, stories about those they worked with, etc).  The irony was that they aren’t truly passionate about their jobs yet that’s all they could talk about; this was a good example of how close some people’s identities are intertwined with what they did for a living.  

Although I didn’t get much out of it, I’m still glad that I was able to practice listening.  I did walk away with new empathy for some of the things my in-law’s dealt with and had better insight & understanding of their lives.  I can say that I did learn more about them & really connected more than before, so I would consider this a win.

Gotta Keep Practicing

My intent is to continue developing my listening skills moving forward so that I can use this as a tool to learn more about others, forge deeper relationships, and perhaps pick up things here & there that I could apply to my own life.  The Squire sums it up nicely: “most everybody, no matter their age, education, or experience, can both help and learn from others during a thoughtful conversation”.

Reader Questions

• How are your own listening skills?  Are you more like Scout (listening for facts) or more like The Squire (listening to understand someone better)?
• For those in the Financial Independence community, do you sometimes feel like you’re in an Echo Chamber?  Have you been able to step outside of it and remain open to other viewpoints and opinions?

Leave your answers or comments below – or email us directly at info@epicfinancialjourney.com